Saturday, October 27, 2007

Sweet Olivia

Well its been a weird day! I slept in and when I say that I really mean it. I didn't wake up until 11am!!! That is not normal but I took a benedryl last night and those just knock me out! I even fell asleep on the couch ( ok so that part is normal) but when John asked if I was ready to go to bed apparently I told him that I wanted to sleep there. Now John is making fun of me for my use of exclamation marks...which for some reason I tend to use instead of periods quite often! See!
Anyhow, I've been writing about our dear sweet friend Olivia this past week and this afternoon we got a call telling us that she had just passed. She just stopped breathing. My first thought was "I wonder what she is doing right now?" Half of me is so happy for her, she is with our Lord right now. . The other half of me is a mixture of emotions. I am confused, sad, fearful, the list goes on... The reason I am happy for her is because not only is she no longer in pain but she is worshipping and spending time with our Great God!! I just have this picture of Liv dancing in a waterfall, singing to the Lord. I know it may sound weird but I was listening to a song called "Conquering Lion" by Grace Faulkner ( get this song, its incredible!!). This is one of Liv's favorite songs and it talks about the Lord taking away our pain and being our living water. How amazing that she is experiencing that right now even as I type this! Of course I am very sad and will absolutely miss going through life with my friend and mentor but I can tell you that I felt peace this afternoon more than anytime this pastweek. My friend is no longer suffering, she infact has been brought to perfection!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007


I have found myself very anxious today and having trouble doing anything! My mind is elsewhere. I thought about Olivia much of the day! I thought a lot about how I said goodbye but that she is still alive. I have had lots of talks with the Lord today about how my desire is for him to heal Olivia. It really is my hope and desire!
I also found that I am tired, spritually and mentally! I feel like I have nothing to give. That is hard for me! Its also interesting ( or sovereign) that John is out of town this week. I feel like I need him so bad right now but I believe with all my heart that the Lord is just using this time to draw me to himself. While it is not bad for me to want my husband to comfort me and to be here to hold me I also believe that the Lord is so much more satisfying and He longs for me more than my husband. Jesus is just waiting for me to ask him to hold me and comfort me! I am reminded of Genesis 3:16 where it says my desire will be for my husband ( this is a part of the curse from eating the apple) and I think it is saying that we as women will desire our husbands over our Creator. This is a curse because our Creator will NEVER fail us, he will always comfort us and lead us to himself! Our husbands, even when they are perfect they will not fill us like the Lord can! Why would we choose them over God?
As I am tired and have nothing to give I will find encouragement in this

5For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my
hope is from him.6 He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not
be shaken.7On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is
8 Trust in him at a
ll times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.
Psalm 62:5-8

Saying goodbye

I am sitting on a plane writing this right now. I just left Phoenix. I had to say bye to Olivia earlier today. I actually said “see you soon” because I really will see her soon. I will see her in heaven. I can’t wait! This was quite possibly the hardest day and ½ in my life. I have never had to say goodbye to someone. I have never seen someone close to me dying and in so much pain. I am so glad that Sam, Marisa and Shana and I were together. We supported each other, cried together, laughed together, prayed and sang together. We are still praying for our Creator to heal Liv! We know that he can do it! We believe that he can! The question I asked myself as we were on our way to see her on Sunday was “do I believe that he will?” I know that he can and would but will he? I don’t know. And I don’t know if I am supposed to know that. Our God has such bigger, deeper, richer thoughts and knowledge than I! His way of healing her may be taking her home. I also reminded myself that she is not ours to keep. She belongs to HIM! Praise that Lord that she does belong to HIM. That doesn’t make this process any easier or less confusing though. Ruth, Olivia’s mom, was talking to us and told us something that Liv had said years ago. She said “Just because I am crying doesn’t mean I am not trusting the Lord” and that is how I feel. I trust the Lord and I do believe him but I sure do still mourn for the friend that I am losing, that we are losing!
I wish everyone could meet liv!!! Those of you that know her know what I mean. She has this way of loving you for you and making the newest person she has meets feel a part. She has this smile that just grabs you and brings joy. Even as she was laying in bed and didn’t have the energy to smile, I could see it! I could see that smile and it made me smile right back at her!

I will never forget this past day and half! 4 friends sitting in a room with a friend in tremendous pain yet tremendous excitement to go home, real home, and see her maker, her father, her lover. She was ready. I don’t know when she will go, or who knows, God can still heal her! He can! We had so much fun just sitting in her room while she lay in bed. She couldn’t move and couldn’t eat, she couldn’t even talk very well but when she did it was so great! She was her usual self, just a bit “dryer” but she was making jokes and making us laugh like usual!
This is all very tough and confusing but I know that that I can find my hope in the fact that our God is good and faithful! We will see His glory through this!

Friday, October 19, 2007

What a week!

The lord is definitely stretching John and I this week! I am learning ( well trying to learn) to take the small stuff lightly and the important stuff seriously. That sounds very cliche. Let me tell you what I mean...

This week I found out that one of my best friends is not doing very well. Her name is Olivia, some of you know her or of her. She is part of the reason I am who I am today, and part of the reason that I try and be like Jesus. Olivia is a lover of Jesus Christ and has found that He is better than life!

She was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2005 and beat it! We all beleived she was healed, and she was for awhile. Last November, 2006, Dr.'s found the cancer again and now in her lungs and liver as well. Dr.'s gave her 9 months to live if she didn't do any treatment and Liv did not want treatment. She had already done it once and it was painful, time consuming, tiring and just not a way to live. So she had some naturpathic treatment done that helped and she went on living her life, thankful and joyful! We found out in July that the cancer had spread to her brain! That was difficult to handle. We all knew it was getting worse. We all prayed so hard for her!!

We got a call on Wednesday that said we need to come see her this weekend! A core group of us had tickets for next weekend so we could tell this was urgent. We will leave Sunday and return on Monday...a short trip. I have lots of feeling right now: but mostly anxiety. I don't know what to expect or how to act or anything. I feel like a alien in this world. We will see but for now I just pray that Liv will not have pain and that she will have the energy to spend time with us!

Now you wonder how this ties into my "what a week' title and not worrying about the small stuff. Well, we heard all this news on Wednesday and on Thursday we had at lease 3 different repair men or service men at the house for numerous reasons, got a quote for our ceiling texture: $4000!!!, found that our shower is leaking water into the living room carpet.... and there was more beleive it or not. I found myself being so calm and even writing this my heart is not stressing about all the money we may be shelling out here very soon- and you know me- I usually stress over these things. But when you have a dear friend who is dying, all things step aside, they become less important,perspective is gained! Maybe that is how my life always should be. I should never worry about what the earth thinks is a big deal and be more consumed with Him who loves me and longs for me to be with him all the time! He is better than anything on this earth, even good things like making my house a home ( I know it sounds cheesy) and being a wife.
I will let you know how my time with Liv goes!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Still Getting our new house!!

John and I have been in Denton for almost 2 months now! I can't beleive it has been that long! For those of you who don't know ( well , anyone reading this should know but...) we just moved to Denton ,TX from the Northwest- Portland ,Or.

We just bought and moved into a house! For the past 2 months we were bouncing between several homes that were graciously opened to us! We areso thankful that the Lord provided for us and we did not have to get a hotel or rent! The dogs, John and I are extrememly thrilled to have our own space- our new home!

This home is quite a bit different from our house in Portland as it is 27 years old ;compared to our Portland house that was only 4 years old and needed virtually no work..this house...well it needs lots of work and more than that, lots of updating! Updating will take time but we are exciting about this new adventure together!

We started with tearing the popcorn and we are currently living with no texture or paint on the cielings! We are having texture done as soon as possible!

Overall we are just thrilled to be in our own house! Even the dogs know that we are "home" and we hardly have anything unpacked. They are getting back to their usual selves!