Lots of Thoughts

So, I must apologize for my disappearance from "blog world". I was out of town for nearly an entire month over Christmas! Now that I have been back I have thought about blogging several times as there has been a lot to share but I never knew where to start...so I'm just starting.

Tomorrow is Olivia's birthday. I have been thinking about her a lot lately, for lots of silly reasons and for a couple real ones. A handsome black guy was my checker at a store a couple days ago and that just made me laugh a little inside because Olivia was always attracted to black guys and he was a cute one so naturally I thought of her, right... The same day a lady named Olivia was my checker at another store- whats with the checkers? I had a total nurse question, and Olivia was always game for any medical questions! There were more but I can't remember, not more checker, just more reasons why I thought of her! I have also been praying about discipling a girl and that is what Olivia did for me....so I just wish I could call her and ask questions, learn more from her. Since Liv and I didn't live in the same town for the past 6 or so years the reality of her not being here has hit a little slower. I didn't see her everyday so that has not been the hard part. Its been the time I need to call her, when I need her encouragment or her advice, when I want to tell her that I am praying for her and that I was thinking about her. I remember last year for her birthday we flew to Phoenix and spent the weekend with her, it was the big 30 so we had to celebrate with her! We were in a mode of making everything count with her because we knew she might not be here that much longer. I am so glad we made those moments and memories but I still didn't think it would really ever come, I didn't think her time would really come so soon.
I have to continually remind myself that she is with God, Jesus Christ...worshipping. I can't imagine, and selfishly I think " how can she be enjoying that more that going through life with us?" And then the truth that I know kicks in, "are you kidding?" I am so selfish and I promote my own desires most of the time.

For the wicked^(E) boasts of the desires of his soul
Psalm 10:3

I read Psalm 10 a couple days ago and this just stuck out to me. When I first read it I immediately thought of literally wicked people, and then as I read " boast of the desires of his soul", I thought " i do that". It just hit me that I am wicked. Why would I be selfish in my marriage, why would I want to rob Liv of her time in eternity with our God in exchange for this insane life on earth, why do I do these things? Then on Sunday Matt talked about how we are innately sinful, its just in us. I don't just do sinful things, I am sinful. I sort of knew this but not really, and I really never let it sink in like it did this weekend!
As I continued to read and pray on Sunday I realized that by me not believing that I am just plain sinful, I continue to believe lies that somehow I can't go before the Lord, I can't pray, I can't...until I clean myself up and start spending time with Him everyday and start being a perfect wife and start...
Those things are not true, if that was the case I really could never go to Him and if I thought I could it would be because I thought I had it together. Which really I have nothing together and I won't ever have it together. The reason I can go to Him and be a daughter of our great King is because he sent His son, by Jesus dying on the cross I have been given grace. Just like I inherited sin and death from Adam, I have inherited grace & redemption by having a relationship with our God who' s son took my sins to death on a cross. The power and freedom that flow from that truth is so amazing.
I am so thankful that through that I have freedom that stirs my desire for spending time with our Lord and time in His word, it stirs me to live how he has called me to live regardless of those people or things around me!